So last time I wrote, I was telling you all how exhausted and tired I felt. Well, I spent that whole night going back and forth from shivering uncontrollably for hours, to sweating like I had just finished a marathon. I went to the doctor the next day and found out that I had some kind of viral infection. The fever only lasted a day or two...but then I got a real nasty stomach virus the whole weekend of the Key Laborers retreat.
In the midst of all that, on Thursday, I got the call I had been dreading to receive for almost a year now. My Mom called me as I was resting in my bed to tell me she didn't think my grandma was going to live through the night. I slowly and calmly made my way over to Anderson Mercy Hospital, thinking I had much more time then I really did. The whole situation was foreign to me. As I walked to the emergency room toward room number 3, I tried to imagine what was going to happen. I walked into the dark room, and as my eyes began to adjust, I could see my 97 year old grandma lying still with both eyes and her mouth wide open as my family members quietly sung through some of the hymns of the Faith. I shuffled past my family and to my grandma's side as she quietly gasped for air every few seconds. In 22 years of life, I'd never seen her like this. I was lost for words when my mom reminded to tell grandma that I love her. It's in those moments that you realize those words are just about the only words worth speaking. Nothing else really seems worthy enough to be spoken. No more than twenty minutes later, she had passed away. I had never seen anyone die before that night, and it makes you consider a lot of things you don't normally consider. It puts into perspective what really matters and what doesn't.
It's really interesting to me because I look back on that week of sickness and death and it is obvious that I really struggled to seek God. The night my grandma died, I didn't want to do anything besides be with my family. When I was with my family at the hospital, it was good....we all shared in the same loss and it was just good to be with them. When I came back to Clifton, though, I didn't want to do anything besides stare into nothingness. When I was sick with fever and stomach bugs, just about all I could think about was how bad I felt and how long it would be until I got better.
In preparing for smallgroup the other night, I came across this verse:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. ~ Phil 4:13
I think that so often we look at this verse like it's saying we can do big and extravagant and crazy things with and because of Christ, who strengthens us. We can go out and change the world through Christ who strengthens us. We can go out and climb a mountain through Christ who strengthens us. And although I think that is partially what Philippians 4:13 is saying, I realized for the first time that that's not really the point Paul is making. Take a look in context:
10 But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at last your care for me has flourished again; though you surely did care, but you lacked opportunity.
11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:
12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
13I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I think Paul is getting at the point that he has learned how to do all things through Christ in the good times, but in the bad times as well. And by "to do all things", I think he means to seek God in all things. He has learned to seek God even in the really hard times: when we are sick, when friends and family pass, when school or work gets hard and frustrating, when friends betray us, when the good times stop rolling. Do we have joy in these times...the type of joy that can only come from seeking God and hearing what He has planned for those situations?
I went to church this Saturday and something struck me as I listened to the prayer. Pretty much all that was prayed for was sick friends and family members. It's like that pretty much every week. Obviously, that is a very important thing to pray for. But, I wonder how often we *really* seek God. Do we use God as a means to heal us and help us through the hard times, or are we really seeking Him as a goal. When we are sick, do really seek God and ask Him how He wants us to use the situation, or do we just ask for healing. When we are overwhelmed with a group project, do we thank God for the relationships that are being developed and ask Him how He wants us to further the Kingdom in that class, or do we just cry for help. When we really seek God in those situations and ask how He is going to use the tough situations for good (Romans 8:28), that is when our sorrow is turned into joy. When we realize that there is a bigger opportunity to have an eternal impact in the midst of hard times, that is when the hard times seem....not so hard.
I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it :-)
Steadfast Love
12 years ago
